DIVORCE and the HOLIDAYS
We are in the middle of the holidays. Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, or any other kind of holiday, or you do not celebrate any holidays at all, the end of the year is a special time. In addition to these holidays, New Year's coming up. That is right. We have a new year about to start. When we start the next year, most people think about new beginnings. People start weight loss plans, and they decide, "I'm going to exercise," and "I'm going actually to read every night," and "I'm going to spend more time with my kids." But, where does planning and preparing for divorce fit in with your holiday plans?
Although the holidays are a time to start thinking about those New Year's resolutions, you are still in this year even if it is at the end. You do not have to wait for the next year to start making changes to your life. Why do so many people wait until the next year to start making changes? Why do we do that? What is the point? Why do we not decide that we are going to start making those changes now? There is no point in waiting. All that will happen if you wait is you are going to delay those changes in your life.
Should You Wait or Should You Go?
You are likely here because you are either thinking about a divorce or your wife has told you that she wants a divorce, and you do not know what to do. The question is: should you wait to start planning for divorce until after the holidays? And really, you could substitute holidays for any event. Should you wait until after your kids finish school? Should you wait until a particular time in the future? Deciding to get divorced is a personal question, but you should never wait as a general matter.
The principal reason you should ever wait is that you only live once! Since you only live once, you are not getting any younger, why are you waiting? Are you waiting because of you? Or, are you waiting because of what you think other people around you will feel and think? If you are concerned about what other people around you are going to feel and think, your mind is not in the right place because the one thing that you should be learning from us is that you are the most important person in your life.
You are more important than your kids.
You are more important than your wife.
You are more important than your job.
YOU are the most important thing. Because if you are not good, if you are not feeling good, if you are not centered, then NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
Holidays Should Not Stop You From Putting YOU First
If you are a broken person, miserable, depressed, and/or having trouble functioning day to day, what good are you to your kids? Seriously, what good are you to your kids if you cannot function? Should you wait until after the holidays to start divorce planning and preparation? First, we have to pinpoint why you are waiting. If you are waiting just because you do not think that it is appropriate to start thinking about divorce right in the middle of this festive season, where you are around your family, and everyone's feeling good, look in the mirror and tell yourself that is a load of crap. You know it. We know it. It is crap.
We are not talking about filing a Complaint for Divorce on Christmas Day. Okay? You are not going to do that. What we are talking about is starting to plan and prepare for divorce. It would be best if you started preparing now. Even if you will be sitting in a room watching your children open presents with your wife, why can't you start preparing for a divorce you want to initiate in January or February, or March? There is nothing wrong with that. You will probably have a little time off over the holidays, so what better time to start doing the things you need to do to prepare for divorce?
Should you DECIDE to Get Divorced over the Holidays?
You do not want to decide to get divorced over the holidays. Let us remember what happens over the holidays. You are around a lot of family. Usually, you are around people that are not in your immediate family. Stress is high all around.
We all know that when you go to family gatherings, more likely than not, you will have those uncomfortable conversations about topics that are debated by people all the time. Maybe it is politics; maybe it is sports; maybe it is something else. Therefore, you are likely to be a little stressed out. Besides, just being around a lot of family around the holidays is unfortunately stressful for many people. You are out of your comfort zone. You are not doing things exactly the way you do them every day.
I caution you about deciding to get divorced during the holidays. You may have been thinking about it for some time. And maybe what happens over the holidays confirms to you that you need to do this. That is different. But, I caution you to start thinking about divorce over the holidays because there are so many unique things that happen over the holidays that are not present the rest of the year that can cloud your thinking.
Be Clear on How You Feel About Your Marriage
One thing you need always to be clear on is what you feel. Do you feel a certain way, or is there just some event that happened that is pushing you in a particular direction? Many people find out their spouse is cheating on them, such as running off and hiring a divorce attorney to start a divorce. However, that is precisely the wrong way of thinking and proceeding.
If you have ever thought about running to start a divorce, or if this is something you have encountered, I hope to get to you before you decide. Once you decide to get divorced, you need to prepare first. Even if one event alone is enough for you not to be married to this person anymore, and no judgments for me, all I am here to talk to you about is preparation. And should you wait until after the holidays to engage in preparation? The answer is no; you should not wait.
Divorce Planning and Preparation Over the Holidays
What can you do over the holidays to start preparing? For one, your children are going to be off school. What is a straightforward thing you can do right now? Well, if you have children, you should spend a ton of time with them over the holidays. Guys spend time being active in buying the Christmas presents or the Hanukkah gifts. Be active. Do not be that father sitting there on Christmas Day, surprised at what your children got as much as your children are. That's not the kind of passive parenting that you need to want to do, mainly if your ultimate goal is to have your kids in your life a lot of the time. Whether that is equal time, whether that's primary custody or whatever it will look like, you cannot be that father who is sitting there on Christmas morning surprised at what your kids are getting. That is precisely the wrong approach to take.
Your kids will be around so you can spend a lot of time with them both when getting them presents, spending time with them putting things together, and playing with their presents. Even if you have a little girl, if she gets some dolls, sit down and have a Tea Party with her. It would be best if you spent this time, when your kids are out of school, bonding with your children.
End of Year Considerations and Planning
The end of the year is a great time to take stock of how your family did during the year financially. If you do not have a computer program that keeps track of budgets and what you spend on things, now is a great time to invest in one. There are a ton of them out there, so find one. Just search budget programs or financial programs on Google, and you will find many of them that are very inexpensive. Most download all of your data from all of your different financial institutions into one place to see what you are spending on things over the holidays.
Avoid Fights Over the Holidays
As I noted before, you will have a lot of stress over the holidays, and even more so if you and your spouse have been fighting a lot. This is another opportunity for you to exercise sound judgment and try to avoid those fights. Just avoid them. There is no point in having them. It is not going to help you. It may lead to unpleasant circumstances, so avoid engaging with your wife if a fight starts. Also, do not feel like you must get the last word. Many people feel like they must get the last word. They must get that last punch in. Do not do any of that.
Take Care of Yourself Over the Holidays
Do not forget to spend time over the holidays with yourself. If you have a big family gathering happening, if it is not bad weather, go out for a walk for thirty minutes while the family is sitting around. There is nothing wrong with that! Just take a break. After everyone eats on Christmas Day, all of you will take naps anyway, right? Go out for a walk and get some fresh air.
You have to worry about yourself during the holiday. Do the things that make you happy. You do not want to wait until the New Year to start working on yourself. This is a great time to start if you have not already. If you have started implementing the training you learned in the Divorce Preparation Bootcamp, this is the time to start. You are in control of your life, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You make the decisions no one else does.
The Date Does Not Decide When you Make Decisions
The date does not make the decision for you. Whether or not you have family over does not make the decision for you. You decide when you are going to start writing the next chapter in your life. It starts with preparation. You decide when and if you want to get divorced. Most people know deep inside their bodies that they need to get divorced. However, often they do not take that next step to do it because of fear, because of what other people are going to think, or just because it is going to be too difficult, and they do not want that difficulty in their life.
Regardless, once you have decided, either start preparing now or continue the preparation you have already been doing. If you need help preparing or you want step by step instructions on exactly what to do so that you can get a better result when divorce occurs, come check out the Divorce Preparation Bootcamp. It is going to change your life because guess what? You do not have to worry about what you should be doing. We will tell you exactly what to do step by step.
Have a wonderful holiday season.